It seems like the world is falling apart—at least Denise’s and Hailey’s worlds. They’re both facing major conflicts with the men in their lives. It may be for the best. But that doesn’t make it any less painful.
Denise has made a big step in her life. She’s starting to disentangle herself from Buzz. Thank God. The more I see of him, the more I learn about him, the more he frightens me. He has this hypnotic power over Denise. It would appear that one day she simply climbed into his RV and never looked back. And yet, she clearly loves her kids. She wants to be a good mom—she wants to fix the mistakes her mother made. Don’t we all? Doesn’t each generation try to avoid their parents’ pitfalls? More often than not, though, we simply fall into the ditches on the other side of the road. To walk in the middle of the road—that’s the challenge.
Then there’s Jason and Hailey. Their relationship doesn’t seem much better than the one between Denise and Buzz. Jason knows Hailey so well. He can predict her every move, her every thought, her every emotion. He says he loves her—but does he really? I don’t know. He says he’s giving her space so she can think this through. But is that really what he’s doing? He says he trusts her to make the right decision. But is this whole scenario just a subtle way that he’s bringing Hailey around to his decision? Maybe he does love her in his own way and want what’s best for her; but he’s let Hailey become too dependent on him. She can’t think without him anymore. Did that happen by accident? Or did Jason encourage that co-dependence? He certainly seems to be tired of digging her out of that hole she always falls into; but does he ever consider that he’s dug that hole?
I must admit, I was a little disappointed in the reaction to episode 9, The Way People Talk. When I watched it, I was profoundly moved. It made me question the way I interact with those who are facing a challenging, emotionally draining decision. Based on many of the comments, however, the episode didn’t seem to affect others in the same way. Instead of trying to figure out a way to help women like Katie, the discussion centered around cultural relativism. I’m not saying that discussions of this nature are unimportant or irrelevant; but when faced with someone else’s pain, it’s so much easier to retreat into our private corners of belief. I suppose the discussion proved the episode to be far truer than I realized. It’s easy to hold beliefs that are dear to us. It isn’t always so easy to put those beliefs into practice, to use them to lovingly help another. But I think it’s an important lesson for each of us to learn. I’m still struggling to learn it myself.
Next week is a big week. Katie’s husband, John, comes home. I honestly don’t know if she’ll be able to handle the stress. (Really, “stress” doesn’t go far enough; I don’t know what word to use to describe her heartache.) On Thursday, these three women we’ve gotten to know so well will make decisions about whether to continue their pregnancies. I don’t know how they can do it. It seems to me that none of them are any closer to a decision than they were a month ago.
To Our Audience -
Bump+ The Show has come to an end – but the conversation it has sparked is just beginning.
As word about Bump+ spread to 64 countries across the globe, controversy and criticism from people on both sides of the debate followed; but instead of listening to them, you found the courage to listen to each other. Six weeks and more than 125,000 site visits later, your responses not only to our characters, but also to each other has proved to the world what we suspected all along – we were right to trust in the goodness and intelligence of our audience. We are intensely humbled by the stories you’ve shared and the respect you have shown to each other. Your partnership has challenged us to see this debate in new ways, and reminded the world that we don’t have to agree to listen and respond with compassion. Thank you for that gift.
Comments on individual episodes have now been closed in order to preserve what was The Bump Experience as it unfolded. A new comment thread has been opened here to keep the conversation going. Please visit this link to share your story and join the conversation.
Dear Emily,
i must say that I was a bit confused by your comment that you were a little disappointed in the reaction to Episode 9. I was, on the contrary, encouraged to see that more people were again compelled to partake in the discussion. You must admit that the number of comments had steadily decreased from the first couple of Episodes until you aired Episode 9 which I feel, not only gave new energy to the boards but gave people a more focused conversation than we had seen in past threads, enabling more deep thinking and hopefully more connections. I was under the impression that Bump+ wanted to start this kind of meaningful dialogue?
Yes, it is true that it’s allot easier to ask the tough questions than it is to listen to the tough answers, but we must if we hope to progress on our quest to a more compassionate and understanding society. I happen to agree with Florentius when he says, “one of the most loving and compassionate things you can do for an individual in Katie’s position is to tell them the hard truths. If you’re not doing that, you’re not really helping or loving. In fact, you may be contributing to a repeat performance of the same crisis somewhere down the road.” I would add however, that (as Sister Mary Agnes said in a post way back on Episode 1), “…the truth (needs) to be presented to her in a compassionate and loving way, not in a way that seems to sound judgmental and degrading. My experience is that if we push people away, they will not be able to listen-not even to the truth.” There is a delicate balance here that one needs to find and I believe we are all practicing to that end.
I also agree with Rogers’ comment in this thread where he states, “It seems that the discussion of philosophy, values and beliefs is somewhat belittled on this site, as if we all just feel our way through life.” But I would add that it is not just on this site that we see this attitude. It is pervasive in our culture. In today’s relentless barrage of words, slogans, ideas and images that assault us from all sides, many of us have become dependent on sound bites – short, simple, pre-digested, emotion-laden, one-stop conclusions. We so often don’t have either the time (read inclination) or the ability to sort through the primary information for ourselves, in order to arrive at our own considered conclusions. But how do we begin to break this dependent cycle?
It’s kinda like what the Sister was trying to say about some people feeling intimidated by the big words, and any discussion centered on philosophy, might not be helpful to someone with limited previous experience with it. It’s a great observation and a worthy point, but what’s the alternative? Should we not bring these things up until someone has experience with them and can FEEL confident sharing, and if we are waiting for that, when will we know that has happened, and it’s now time to move the conversation deeper than scratching the surface? It’s a difficult dance indeed! I mean, I don’t want to risk losing some woman who tunes into Bump+ hoping to find help, and only ends up “checking-out” because the conversation is way too deep for her to handle at the moment, any more than I want to underestimate some “ordinary” person’s abilities and not say the one thing that may make all the difference for them in their quest for understanding and truth.
Emily, you said that you don’t think any of these women are any closer to making their decision than they were a month ago, but I respectfully disagree. I’ll try and explain why.
I think one of Katie’s biggest obstacles was coming to terms with the fact that she made a mistake and let her husband down. She wanted it all to just go away, but over the course of time, I think she realizes that it won’t, and she is going to have to be honest with her husband. It won’t be easy, but hopefully they have the kind of commitment that will stand the test of this most extreme of trials. Many marriages have, and they actually have become stronger because of them. Who knows, maybe this child is the only way that they would have become parents besides adoption anyway? Only time can answer that question. Twenty years down the line, will they see this situation very differently? I think so. I hope John can take some of the lessons that I am sure he has learned in his service in Iraq and apply them to this situation with the same amount of fortitude and courage that he had to muster there. I don’t mean to sound cavalier, I just think that many of the experiences we have to endure in life are for the purpose of preparing us for other things we may have to endure.
Obviously Denise has made progress as well. I think one of her main obstacles was fear of bringing another child into an environment that she knew was not healthy. She has made the first big step in the right direction. Of course, by making that decision she now has other things to worry about. Like where to find shelter, but I hope that this new freedom can be the impetus to propel her to face these challenges with a completely new strength and empowerment. Her situation does seem bleak, but I think we may be surprised by how she handles things now.
Hailey has definitely taken an about face. She has had an epiphany and although I think she probably wishes Jason could have had the same revelation, she is beginning to see that he might not. This will be a lose for her that will open up other concerns like, can she raise this child on her own? But I think we will begin to see her resolve take root and who knows, maybe like many women before her, she may be able to give an ultimatum that could move her man in that right direction.
Obviously my desire for each of these women is that they will choose to give hope (defined as: grounds for believing something good can happen) a chance, and if I could, I would gladly walk it out with them. If I could, I would gladly be a witness in the silences when words are not enough… (to quote a song that I love called Testify To Love). But since all I get to do to try and help these beautiful women is write my words, I’ll keep trying to get it right.
P. S. Sorry to write a short novel here, but I figured that since this series is coming to an end, I might as well.
Thank you for your short novel, Carpe Diem. I love seeing commenters that take the time to say what they want to say. I particularly appreciate your insights on Katie, Denise, and Hailey. I think you’re right about them. I suppose my thought process was that, while they have made progress, the decision isn’t any easier. But, then, how many things in life are easy?
It is true that comments have dropped off significantly since the beginning. We expected that. While I do appreciate how invested people are in Bump+, it was my hope that the conversations would be more closely related to the women themselves. As important as it is to have philosophical discussions, I think they are out of place in this context. A woman in a situation such as Katie’s doesn’t need to be involved in a debate about which word is the most proper; she needs someone who will listen to her and respond to her needs. That’s what I was hoping for from Bump+. I know it’s a trait that I need to develop. I think the show has helped me to develop, and I hoped that it had done the same for our regular commenters.
Our choices are not just a product of our feelings and personalities – they reveal our deepest, innermost beliefs. So of course, any discussion about life-altering decisions must include what fundamental things we reveal about life, the ideas we hold dear, our values. It seems that the discussion of philosophy, values and beliefs is somewhat belittled on this site, as if we all just feel our way through life. I would propose that the decisions we make are inextricably connected to what we believe about the meaning of life, and our place in it. Please don’t be “disappointed” that people want to dig into those deeper issues of morals and values and philosophies. This is what makes us who we are.
I agree with you, Roger. I wouldn’t be doing this right now if it weren’t for my beliefs and neither would you. I am not disappointed with the desire for exploration of philosophy, morals, or values as such. Rather, I am disappointed that a discussion like that was literally conducted over Katie’s head. I am not denying the value of the exchange between the priest and the doctor. I do believe, however, that it did Katie no good, which is what both men truly wanted to do. I think it’s important for us to remember to talk to people where they’re at, especially if they’re in a place of pain.
Hi Emily,
I think in one way, a lot of good discussion happened on the episode 9 thread. As Florentius said in his comment here, philosophy is important.
However, my favorite quote from the episode 9 thread is from Carpe Diem, “… how do you reach a generation that listens with their eyes and thinks with their feelings? I think Bump+ is a good start in that direction.”
The problem I see with the thread on episode 9 is that there was a lot of discussion at an intellectual level. I imagine if I were a confused young woman without any background in religion or philosophy, and I came to the Bump site hoping to grasp something to help me in my dilemma, I would have “checked out” the way Katie did in the actual episode.
I just want to add as a post script to my own comment that I do value the discussions at an intellectual level. It’s just that the particular goal of Bump the way I understood it is to welcome people into the discussion who have very different values and beliefs from one another and at the same time try to engage in conversation without arguing. Some people feel intimidated by the use of big words. The philosophical discussions are important. I just am not sure how to make them more helpful to the ordinary person. Maybe there should be a thread specifically for philosophical discussion? I don’t know…
I can see your point, Sister. The discussion in the episode 9 thread, by itself, was indeed a good one. I also agree that it was out of place, considering the purpose of Bump+.
Yes, our goal here is to promote conversation between opposing sides. A discussion such as that one is difficult for everyone to participate in. I don’t know if there will be a separate thread for philosophical discussions. I can talk to the producers and see what they think.
This blog post raises some interesting questions.
You wrote: “Instead of trying to figure out a way to help women like Katie, the discussion centered around cultural relativism.”
Are you saying that philosophical discussions can’t be of real help to women like Katie? On the contrary, I would argue that situations like the one in which Katie finds herself are philosophical and cultural problems at their root. American culture has accepted and internalized a destructive philosophy–one which elevates self-indulgence and denigrates self-sacrifice; one which exalts pride and demeans humility; one which lauds excess but shuns responsibility; one which ultimately exchanges God for the self.
Sadly, situations like Katie’s will continue to proliferate until this philosophy is rejected.
You wrote: “When faced with someone else’s pain, it’s so much easier to retreat into our private corners of belief.”
Is it? I would argue that in our culture, the default position is to say, “I feel your pain.” It is much harder to say: “Your pain is the result of sin. You can either let it overwhelm you and destroy your baby, or you can offer it to Christ to help you get to Heaven.” In my case, my Catholic Faith is who I am. I do not retreat into it. Asking me to check it at the door is like asking me to be ashamed of it. I won’t do that.
You wrote: “I suppose the discussion proved the episode to be far truer than I realized. It’s easy to hold beliefs that are dear to us. It isn’t always so easy to put those beliefs into practice, to use them to lovingly help another.”
As I said on the previous thread, one of the most loving and compassionate things you can do for an individual in Katie’s position is to tell them the hard truths. If you’re not doing that, you’re not really helping or loving. In fact, you may be contributing to a repeat performance of the same crisis somewhere down the road.
Abortion will continue to inflict pain on women until a true Culture of Life emerges in this country which annihilates the thought of abortion as a reasonable option all together. And that will require a lot more of the heavy-duty philosophical discussions that seem to make people deeply uncomfortable.
Thank you for your contribution, Florentius, here and elsewhere on the site. I really do appreciate your reasonable and measured responses.
I do believe that philosophical discussion are important. I also believe, however, that the situation presented in the episode was not appropriate for such a discussion. Both the priest and the doctor were essentially ignoring Katie in order to debate about which word to use. Believe me, using the appropriate word is incredibly important to me; I’m the last person to take issue with a debate like that. It seems wrong to me, though, to conduct such a discussion literally over the head of a woman in pain, seeking advice. I’m sure you’ve borne you’re fair share of pain, Florentius. It’s not always easy to hear philosophy, no matter how true, when one is suffering. I believe that, in some cases, philosophy must take second place to listening to another’s story.
I see your point about the today’s cultural climate. There are indeed those who have no desire to advise, but only to be there to share another’s pain. I know that I sometimes struggle with the opposite. I don’t believe that you, or anyone, ought to check your beliefs at the door. Indeed, one’s beliefs are so integral to one’s identity that it is all but impossible to put them aside completely. I believe, however, that there are times when, no matter how truthful your message is, it won’t be heard.
That is ultimately what episode 9 comes down to for me. There is a time and a place for everything. There have been many times in my own life that I could not hear the truth. Of course, there have also been many times when I simply didn’t want to hear the truth. It’s difficult to tell where that line is. I think Katie truly could not hear the truth, and neither Dr. Patterson nor the priest were able to see that.
Emily,
Well said. I do appreciate your taking the time to address these issues.
You wrote: “I believe that, in some cases, philosophy must take second place to listening to another’s story.”
I agree that passively listening to someone else’s story can sometimes have benefits for that person. However, I have found that just listening to someone and not offering your feedback can often serve to confirm them in a very bad decision. On many occasions when people spill their guts to you, they are looking for affirmation for bad choices and self-destructive behaviors. Oftentimes, it is very hard not to give that affirmation, even when you know their choice is wrong. However, love demands that we do just that.
All of the women in Bump+ have a path that would make things easier for them in the short-run, and another path which would make things much harder in the short-run. It just so happens that the easier path results in the death of an unborn baby, may lead to serious psychological problems for the mother, and is besides gravely sinful. In my opinion, it would be wrong not to point these things out to a woman considering abortion, regardless of her story.
Admittedly, there are occasionally times when nothing you can say or do will help someone. In those cases, the only course of action open to us is put that person’s situation into the hands of Almighty God and pray for them.
You wrote: “There is a time and a place for everything.”
2 Timothy 4:2-5.
You wrote: “There have been many times in my own life that I could not hear the truth. Of course, there have also been many times when I simply didn’t want to hear the truth.”
Just because someone *can’t* hear the truth, it doesn’t absolve us of our responsibility to tell it nonetheless–but, as Saint Paul says, always with love and with patience.
Actually, I agree with you, Florentius. While sometimes someone does simply need a sympathetic ear, they usually need advice as well. That’s exactly what Katie wanted, what she is asking for by participating with the show. But how is it offering her advice to debate about which word is the most appropriate? Instead, I believe that both should have listened to her and tried to find out exactly what it was that she needed.
I do agree that love often means telling the beloved what they don’t want to hear. But shouldn’t the beloved be told in a loving manner? I’m sure you believe that, Truth. I know by your concern for human life, but your desire to do what’s right, that you love others. I don’t think that the Dr. Patterson and the priest arguing about what word is most appropriate is a loving way to help Katie. There’s a better way. Katie wanted advice. Sadly, neither one of these men gave her what she was looking for, even though they wanted to.
Of course you should treat everyone in a loving manner – including the child within the womb. Even if you disagree with the individuals’ actions – “Love the sinner; hate the sin.”
What I am saying is that in our society today people believe that “Love” equals accepting their sin(s). What I have found is that most people know the “right” decision to make especially when it comes to life and death decisions like abortion. When they go looking for “advice” it is simply that they are looking for conviction. In other words – CLARITY. The know they are emotional, and that this combination makes for bad decision-making. Look at Katie, she got here by following her emotion – she knows that is no way to go!
The doctor in this show is doing Katie the biggest disservice because he will not let her know where he stands. He mentioned that he is a coward, and he is. Cowards are unable to take a stand one way or the other – they are lukewarm. Lukewarm people are the worst advice givers because they are like scarecrows – shells with no substance. Katie would do herself a favor by getting rid of the Cowardly Doctor.
“When they go looking for “advice” it is simply that they are looking for conviction. In other words – CLARITY.”
That’s an excellent point, Truth. But, while the arguments of both Dr. Patterson and the priest were clear, they were not very helpful to Katie. They weren’t helpful because they weren’t specific to her situation–they were general arguments that could be used in any context. She really needed one of them to listen carefully to her story, try to understand where she’s coming from, and then guide her as best he can.