Denise makes a life-altering decision.
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In 1973, the U.S. Supreme Court gave women a choice. Thirty-seven years later, we're giving them a voice. BUMP+ is a provocative web series from Yellow Line Studio that follows the fictional stories of three women facing unintended pregnancies.
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Katie, Hailey, and Denise have been through so much—so much heartbreak. Each journey has been difficult and painful. They’ve made their decisions; and in that sense, each journey is at an end. But now they have to figure out how to live with the choices they’ve made.
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Layla,
I tried to post a reply to your comment and for some reason it wound up down a ways. I hope you can scroll down and find it. It’s specifically for you.
This show hasn’t even touched the surface of what reality would be for someone in Denise’s position.
She is in a violent relationship. During pregnancy, domestic violence tends to increase in both frequency and intensity. People say she should just leave Buzz, but there are a few problems with that overly simplistic statement. Where would she go? Does she have a job? What about childcare? What about housing? Is she a citizen? Is she even qualified to recieve public benefits? Are her children? In addition to the logistical nightmare she would be facing, there is the fact that violence increases dramatically when the victim tries to leave the relationship.
Finally, the fact that she is pregnant creates a legal problem in terms of custody. Buzz is the father. That means he has certain rights. She will never be free of this man if she keeps this baby. People say she should give the baby up for adoption. Well, sorry, but there is a known father here. There can be no adoption unless he signs away his rights. He can spend years (yes, years) using that very fact to manipulate and control Denise.
I am not saying that abortion is the right choice for her. It certainly doesn’t seem like she even wants an abortion, which makes me question why this character was chosen for this show. But the reality of what she and her children are facing does not lend itself to easy, pat answers.
missbecca,
You are right, the reality of what Denise and her kids are facing does not lend itself to easy, pat answers and I think that is precisely WHY they chose this scenario for the show.
I had already considered all of your above concerns as well. I even questioned whether the other two kids are Buzz’s also, in another post on Episode 7, because in that episode Buzz referred to the kids as ours when he said, “but the finer things in life, they’re ours too” while referring to Jack and Mindy, the kids. In that Episode he also referred to Denise as his wife, so if that’s the case she will have to take legal action for a separation until he can get serious help to control his anger issues (which I sincerely hope he does in order to see total healing in everyone’s life).
Bottom line, she needs to remove herself and the kids from the dangerous situation and she can do that through the court system and/or the police department. Is he even a U.S. citizen? Are they both here legally? If not, the courts will surely ship them all back to Canada, but I hope that help does not elude them when/if that happens. They all may fall through the cracks in the system which would be the worst case scenario. I suspect that the good Dr. or at least the producers of the show won’t let that happen.
As far as adoption is concerned, who’s to say that Buzz won’t sign away his rights? The fact is, we don’t really KNOW what Buzz wants in this situation. He did also say in that Episode that he wanted to celebrate the “bun in the oven”, so unless he was putting on a show, it seems (at least from that statement and the other ones above) he see the baby and the other kids as a good thing. But like I said, all his words could have been just a show for the cameras. Still, no court (in our country) will allow an abusive man to have them, so he HAS to man up and get help, or walk away.
It’s good we are seeing responsibility, become paramount in all three situations, even if that responsibility is not voluntary (at this point) for some of the characters.
RESPONSE ABILITY…. it all boils down to this!
The courts allow visitation with domestic violence offenders all the time. Biology trumps a lot of things in our court system, even violence. Given that he hasn’t hurt the children (according to Denise) there would be no reason to keep the kids away from him. As long as he keeps his hands off the kids, he gets access to them, and in doing so has access to Denise.
I have to affirm that Missbecca’s analysis of parental rights and how complex these situations can be is pretty realistic. I have seen and worked with these situations over and over. It is true that Buzz will be able to use his parental status to continue to manipulate and control Denise. And if he’s not hurting the kids the courts will not terminate his rights. Unfortunately in some cases even if he is hurting the kids he may still be able to maintain his rights.
Wow, so how does a restraining order work? Can the courts do supervised visitations, so Katie doesn’t even have to be around Buzz? And even with a restraining order, I know that some people just disregard them, and can still do real damage. I also know that the victim can get a false sense of security from them, let down their guard, and wind up dead.
I know that we are all concerned for Katie and her kids, but let’s just consider all the options (knowing that no one really knows the future). Let’s say the other two kids aren’t his, and he won’t sign papers to relinquish the baby. Katie may feel forced to abort the baby just to get away from Buzz, but will that guarantee that she’ll be successful, even if she takes that route? No, Buzz could still haunt her, so now she has, out of desperation, gone against her better judgement or conscience or whatever is telling her not to abort, only to wind up with the same problem of how to really break free from Buzz. So now, what can we advise Katie to do?
Perhaps the best way to help Katie, is to help Buzz? I see his problem as far worse than hers anyway. We, of course, don’t know him at all, really. We don’t know how volatile he is. Katie is reaching out for help, but he (so far) is not. If someone doesn’t want help, it’s very difficult (though not impossible) to help them. Even if Katie is able to break free from Buzz, who’s to say that he won’t go on to repeat the abuse with another woman? I think we need to shift our focus to trying to help Buzz if we can, and that will ultimately help Katie or perhaps other women that might wind up in the same predicament.
Obviously, while we are trying to help Buzz we need to aid and assist Katie – that goes without saying. She and the kids can come live with me. I know, I know, even that is risky business for sure. Buzz could begin to see me as the enemy and begin to take his rage out on me (or worse yet, my family). There is risk involved for anyone who takes her in. Even if she goes to a shelter, he could find out where she is and do something crazy there… even to the shelter itself and then everyone being sheltered there would be affected. I bet there are more people out there willing to help her besides me. She needs to know that. But most of all, Buzz needs to know that we wish to help him too. We can’t be governed by fear, especially fear of the unknown, but we can’t be naive either. Perfect love casts out fear, but perfect love encompasses more than just thinking about Katie and the kids right now. There’s a bigger picture at play here and how we respond makes all the difference.
Maybe I’m too much of an optimist in this situation. Maybe there is no hope for Buzz and he just needs to be incarcerated for the rest of his life in order to solve this problem, but is that the best we can do? Just throw the degenerates in prison and give up on them? Focus more on those we deem as deserving our concern? If we are consistent, we will see every human being as deserving our concern. Even guys with anger issues. And I’m saying that as one who suffered under the brutal hands of one who had those very anger issues. Maybe that’s why I want to help her so bad, and maybe that’s how I can see we must help him too if we hope to see the best possible outcome.
Layla, the person closest in the world to me was in a situation like this. . . people aren’t, or at least I’m not going to blead my heart onto this post but be patient. . . this is more common than you think.
I know a girl who was in a relationship with a mentally/physically abusive man. She got pregnant, had an abortion AND left the guy. She was kicked out of her house, had no job and literally lived in her car for a few weeks. Drug and alcohol abuse was involved at various stages in her life along with abusive parents. Slowly she regained her life, living in half-way houses, etc., with whatever help she could get from wherever she could get it. She regrets her abortion every day of her life. No matter her situation, even though so many people told her it was the right choice at the time, she still regrets taking her child’s life. She has suffered psychologically from her “choice” ever since, and if it weren’t for compassionate people who are NOW in her life it would probably have consumed her.
Her situation could not have been more desperate. Yet she doesn’t think she made the right choice.
I’m not judging her or any others who have made that same choice, I’m just relaying a story I always think about when this issue comes up.
The idea of a man laying violent hands on a woman is repugnant to me. Just so, the idea of doing violence to an innocent unborn baby is equally repulsive. In both cases, you have the strong using their position and power to harm someone weaker. And in both cases, you have an inversion of the natural order. Husbands are supposed to love, protect, and sacrifice for their wives, not beat them. Mothers are supposed to love, protect, and sacrifice for their children, not abort them.
The fact that Denise was so concerned about the health of her unborn child is heartening. I think she realizes that abortion does harm to an innocent who is in your power. I hope she concludes that if she were to abort her baby, she would be acting in a way that isn’t too far different from the way Buzz acted toward her.
I’m starting to get frustrated. Has anyone commenting on here ever been in Denise’s shoes? Can anyone here say they’ve been there and back? Anyone ever been faced with an actual decision like this? I’m starting to resent the rhetoric here. You are talking about these fictional woman and women in general like they are so distant from you. It makes it so easy to think you have the answers.
I’m 23 years old and while I often have a place to stay, I don’t have a home. I discovered I was pregnant by a man who didn’t want the child, didn’t want to help me raise it, and pressed me to get an abortion. I make roughly $15,000/year, and I’m currently in my 5th year of college, a part-time student. I desperatly wanted to have my child. I desperatly loved the child’s father. I’m proud, I didn’t want to have to take government assistance or burden my parents. I didn’t want to force a child on the father. I wanted my child to be loved by everyone and have every advantage in life I could give it. I found out I was pregnsant at six weeks, and it took me another 7 weeks of soul searching, counseling, tears and utter panic to make the hardest decision of my life.
I chose to have an abortion. I still don’t know if I made the right decision, and if I didn’t it’s too late to go back.
Obviously there’s obviously more to this story than can be written, as with any story. Try not to judge or assume too much.
Dear Layla,
Thank you for sharing your story. People need to hear the desperation that women who are in positions like yours face. People also need to understand that often, like you, these women have tried to make the best decision they could. Thank you for having the courage to share.
Dear Layla,
I can’t tell you how sad stories like yours make me. For a young person to feel so abandoned that they can’t fall back on any of the societal networks that are supposed to be there during a situation like this is truly a tragedy.
You wrote: “I’m proud…”
Thank you for your honesty. Pride is something that often obstructs us from doing what is right. I speak from long experience on that subject myself, as someone who has often let my pride cause me to do or say things I later regret very much. In such cases, healing can happen, but usually only after we have discarded our pride and humbled ourselves.
At the age of 17yrs old I was faced with pregnancy. I had moved out of my parents house at 16yrs old, so I was on my own. Partying, working and partying some more… The options were as follows:
1. Abortion
2. Adoption
3. Keep the baby and grow up
I chose option #3, because option #1 is killing and option #2 I didn’t like. My son is 16yrs old now, and has a 3.0 GPA at a College Preparatory Private School.
If you would have asked me (and people did) how I planned on supporting this child – the answer was/is – I don’t/didn’t know? That’s the point…
No one can predict the future, but we have to make the right moral decisions when we are faced with them. IF the correct moral decision is made each and every time then no matter what happens in our circumstances (good or bad) we will have HONOR, DIGNITY and PEACE of mind!
This is better than any education or career that exists on this planet!
Thank you so much for your post. It makes me so frustrated to see so many posts that act like for some reason those who choose to keep their babies don’t understand the concept of burdens or troubles. I am the mother of two, and number 3 on the way. With each child I have encountered my own share of problems. This one for instance my husband and I tried very hard to plan wisely, I am in my fourth month and last month my husband was laid off from what we thought was a very secure job. He makes the only income in our household and his unemployment will barely cover our mortgage and utilities. For now we are feeding our kids on our credit cards and praying God will bring him work soon. In my second pregnancy I got very sick and for the health of myself and our child I was on exclusive bedrest for 17 weeks. My point to this is not to gain sympathy for us but simply to show that even when you try to plan things just perfectly, life happens and we can’t just cut and run as soon as it get tough. Life is tough sometimes and we all have our struggles and as parents we try so hard to teach our children responsibility and accountabilty and as a society we should be reinforcing those lessons not contradicting them.
The bottom line is that WE (humans) cannot control anything except our own ACTIONs. We try so hard. Science and Society tell us that we can control our lives, but we cannot. Circumstances happen. Temptation is all around us. The only thing we truly possess is our Free Will. Our decisions should be governed by sound Truth and Logic, and if we are living our lives in this way – there is nothing than can happen to us that we won’t find meaning in.
Planning, Control – these concepts are overrated. These are concepts that cause our PRIDE to ruin our lives. Give it over to the one who truly loves you and stop worrying – there is a reason for everything – a good reason! HE is omni cubed. All Powerful, All Knowing and All Loving! Trust.
Amen Sista! Well said!
I’ll be praying for your husband to find an even better job… that does happen sometimes.
Much good can and does come from seemingly bad situations when we give hope a chance.
Keep Hoping!
You must be so proud of your son. Congratulations.
I have a question for you. Are you pro-life in the sense that you believe that abortion should be illegal, or are you glad you had options?
Dear Layla,
I am so sorry to hear of what you had to endure. You sound like a very loving person and I wish I would have known you then, because I would have done everything in my power to help you get through it. But I didn’t, and as you so poignantly add in your post it’s too late to go back. You are absolutely right, you can’t go back, but you can go forward and how you proceed has everything to do with how you process your decision. You said that you don’t know if you made the right choice. That is something that you will need to wrestle with. I would like to add that we all make mistakes and if you decide that is the case for you, I want you to know that forgiveness is waiting for you to find it. You should not believe that you are not worthy of receiving such forgiveness. Please seek out some of the great organizations out there who are equipped to help you sort through all the issues that can come up for post-abortive women. Rachel’s Vineyard is one of them.
I also wanted to address your frustration with the comments seeming so distant from the characters or women in general, and coming off as if they have all the answers. You asked some great questions, “Has anyone commenting on here ever been in Denise’s shoes? Can anyone here say they’ve been there and back?” Then you went on to vulnerably share your story and show us that YOU have. No wonder you were feeling so frustrated with the comments coming off as so distant, especially since you were right there all along. I’m so sorry if this added to your pain – a pain that is still so fresh. I don’t think that anyone would want to come off as cavalier or distant, if they were invited to meet you in your pain.
What’s difficult with this show, is that the characters aren’t really coming to me or Sister Mary or anyone specifically on these comment boards so we can’t make our advice more personal until someone like yourself invites us in. Unfortunately we have to talk in somewhat vague terms or even just talk ABOUT Denise or Katie or Hailey TO someone else. I have seen some posts that talk directly TO the characters themselves, but that is a difficult conversation to have as well, because you know you won’t get a direct response from them, unless by chance the directors write something into the script as a sort of reply. So this is why I think some of the comments might seem less than helpful and maybe even hurtful or at least frustrating for some people.
I can’t say that I have been in Denise’s shoes exactly and I bet no one would say they have exactly been there either, but I was in an abusive relationship when I was very young, for 5 1/2 long years. Fortunately, I never got pregnant with him, so I can’t say that I can completely relate. I do know how hard and complicated it can be to break free and I am proud of Katie for making that first call. I know it wasn’t easy for her.
I think most everyone who lives long enough on this planet experiences pain or loss of some kind and even though the particulars of the situation might be different, PAIN IS PAIN and we can all comfort as we have been comforted. Heck, maybe reaching out to another hurting soul might be just what we need to find our own complete healing.
I know you mentioned there is more to your story and I want you to know that I, for one, am listening if you find you need an ear.
Layla,
I tried to post a reply to your comment above and for some reason it wound up down a ways. I hope you can scroll down and find it. It’s specifically for you.
I don’t think that she needs to jump right into adoption. . . she needs to find help to raise her child. Adoption is very very difficult and I think it’s heartless to say that the woman should give her baby up for adoption if he is going to be born into a difficult or single parent situation. The show was going to help Haley’s boyfriend I’m sure they’ll help Denise out. I’m all about adoption if it’s the best thing for the child but I don’t think that it is always the case and EVERY possibility where the parent and child can stay together should be at least given a try.
I know that Denise came in and wanted to know if the baby was alright, at least that’s what she said, but the way she reacts to certain questions makes me question HER. It has been in the news recently that women are having their boyfriends beat them up in an attempt to bring on a miscarriage. Now I’m not saying that that’s what she did. But watch her interview during this episode. When asked if she liked being a mother, she got quiet and uncomfortable. Her body language was saying something totally different than her words. Please don’t think I am condoning men beating up women, I’m NOT.
Never should a woman in her situation think that abortion is the right answer either. If she isn’t able to raise a third child on her own, then she can give it up for adoption.
What if she were to move in with the doctor’s family??? Or with Katie or Hailey????
Anna:
I don’t really agree with your assessment. I think she looked uncomfortable because she knows what a bad situation she is in and probably feels like she is trying to defend herself. I do not think she got beat up on purpose…if you watch the surprise episode again it may remind you that Buzz had no prior knowledge of the pregnancy and he acts very controlling.
I also, personally, do not agree that a woman in her situation should never abort. Adoption is not that easy, she would need to get Buzz to sign the papers too and based on his personality (controlling) he would not do it, then there will be the custody battle. So I can see many reasons for terminating the pregnancy, but in this case I think it is clear from Denise’s actions and words that she wants to carry to term and keep her baby. So that is what I foresee for this *character*.
It does seem like Denise does not want to abort. The show is making it completely hopeless for her though. She is from Canada with an uncaring mom, so she has few connections in the country and no family to fall back on. Even with Buzz they were already skirting the financial edge, and living in a trailer. I think adding another kid to the mix will make it all the harder, although I’m sure there are plenty of voices that will say “there are resources out there, she can still do it!” But boy, the show is beating us over the head with how bleak her prospects are.
The other day, in a wonderfully thought provoking comment, Carpe Diem said “If we hope to find a workable solution to the problem of unintended pregnancy, we might first admit that there is a side of our humanity which doesn’t want to, because that would be too difficult.” Denise’s situation made me think of that. It’s so easy for us to say “Hopefully she’ll find a great shelter and then she’ll be fine” thinking we found the solution to her problems, and move on. But how often do we get involved with more than well wishing thoughts? Do we volunteer at shelters to help make them places where women CAN make a real change on their lives? Do we help these women with child care, furthering their education, getting career counseling and training, and finding permanent affordable housing? Do we support legislation that would help single mothers be able to survive financially and really provide for their children? Do we help them get the legal aid they need to cut ties with abusive husbands? If we’re pro-choice, do we help women make their choice really work for them in their lives going forward? If we’re pro-life, are we concerned with life beyond the womb?
The choice to leave Buzz is a great start for Denise. But it is just the start. She needs help whether she makes the decision about the pregnancy that we hope she’ll make or not. Do we continue to care even if her next decision is not as right as leaving Buzz, in our opinion? Do we care beyond that point, no matter what? Do we really care about her, or just her baby, or just the abortion issue? Denise is a fictional character, but there are so many real Denises out there in all of our communities.
If each of us would spend half as much energy and time helping people like her succeed in the aftermath of such a decision as we do debating with each other, how many more women in similar circumstances could make a new start? But perhaps we prefer to stay in the realm of the theoretical where life is far less complicated and messy. The abortion debate covers only the first stage of life and of choices. Encouraging a woman to save the life of her baby or to decide whatever she thinks is right for her should only be the start of our concern and our willingness to offer actual assistance. To find workable solutions to the problem of unintended pregnancy, we have to be willing to get involved beyond the first stage. That is how we can make a real difference, but also when it gets messy and difficult.
Pro-lifers DO work to help women like Denise! Crisis pregnancy centers provide medical, food, shelter, clothing, baby items, education, job training, counseling, etc. for FREE – the only income they make are from church ministries, fund raisers, and donations. Yet they are constantly battling against people who want to shut them down just because they are women’s clinics that don’t offer abortion. It’s like telling a psychologist that he or she can’t run his or her business to help people with psychological problems because he or she doesn’t offer medication like a psychiatrist does. As if not offering the “full range of care” is somehow unprofessional. It’s just another option!
If you don’t think that the pro-life movement is serious about helping women, you ought to check out all of the pro-life organizations out there, including Birthright International and Feminists for Life.
To CCG
You stated your thoughts so clearly, and outlined so many of the weaknesses of our society when it comes to those struggling through life, I am wondering how you fit into the questions you posed. Are you involved past the abortion question? Or are your questions rhetorical?
A woman who is pregnant and considering abortion has a limited time frame to make her decision. It is important to settle first things first; helping her come to a decision about the life of her child. After that decision is made, further decisions arise about other issues in her life, but to suggest that unless one has solutions to every problem a woman has then helping her decide whether or not to abort is off limits is naive. NO ONE who has a child can predict their future; no matter what situations surround you at the time of your pregnancy, it is guaranteed that your situation will be different in 5 years, 10 years, 18 years. If questions of employment, finance, experience and support systems all had to be settled satisfactorily before a woman should carry a child to term, then reproduction would cease.
I am not dismissing the seriousness of Denise’ struggle; but she has choices to make. She started by making the first hard one; many more difficult choices will follow. And sacrifice and hard work will be involved; so will times of joy and delight. The Dr advised her; she had to follow through. Support can be given to her, but no one can guarantee that she will be “provided for” throughout her life – none of us get that guarantee.
Amy, I didn’t mean to say that NO pro-life groups provide a wider scope of support services, but that there are many self-described “pro-life crusaders” that do not, and that really good crisis pregnancy centers are not necessarily the norm. I do know there are some that really do go beyond the expected few services and are a great example of compassion in action. There are certainly many pro-lifers who really do care deeply for women in crisis as individual whole women. But there are also those who give the pro-life camp a very negative reputation by their actions and attitudes, coming from a place of anger and indignation rather than compassion and genuine concern. We need to recognize that the world often sees the pro-life movement that way, and work to change that perception, and I suggest the best way to do that might be with a holistic approach, broadening the focus a bit. A woman facing an unintended pregnancy is more than just pregnant.
I had a co-worker in a very similar situation to Denise a few years ago. I tried to help her find services to help her leave her abusive boyfriend and be successful at keeping and providing for her baby, but I was very dismayed at the lack of real compassion and willingness to really help rather than just lecture. What she did encounter was a lot of judgmental, self-righteous, or oblivious people. I really thought that I could help her find wonderful help, but soon was embarrassed to be pro-life and thereby associated with some of those people. It was very discouraging for her. She had a friend who took her to a pro-choice clinic, too, and her reports of them were very similar- people who were sure they knew what was best for her with out really knowing anything about her. She was just lost amid the fervor of the debate, very much like Katie in the last episode. I was heart broken for her as she became more and more distraught and felt increasingly trapped despite my attempts to help. I just couldn’t find enough recourses to help her. It was like all the service organizations were so focused on just one part of life- just one issue; they didn’t work well together and even if you could try to work through so many different organizations, there were still huge gaps in what a woman trying to start a whole new life with a baby would need. I offered all the help I personally could, as well, but it wasn’t enough. In the end, she kept the baby, but stayed with the boyfriend because his parents were willing to let them and the baby move in and provide child care and all the assistance they would need. But she had to stay with the jerk abusive boyfriend and move out of state to get their help. I quickly lost contact with her after they moved.
So based on that experience and some people I’ve known on both sides of the issue (including one acquaintance who said I was just as guilty as abortion doctors because I wouldn’t protest in front of a clinic), I was struck with how much more concerned most seemed to be with the issue than with the person- the whole living, complicated person. I just wish it was much more common to take a “whole person” approach to aid and assistance rather than focusing on a single issue and a few months of life. Yes, that single issue and those few months are critical, and like Elizabeth said, that decision must be made in a limited time frame. And of course no one can guarantee a woman will be set for life before she makes that decision; but it does help to make that decision if there if hope for being able to survive the next few years. I just want us to consider that people are more important than issues, and we can all do better at caring for each other in this world.
And to answer your question, Elizabeth, the questions I posed were really rhetorical- food for thought. But as for me, while I do a limited amount of work with a local shelter, I have been focusing on international aid related work mostly. I tend to get focused on one issue, too- just a different one. But there are more issues and more people in great need right where I live, and I know I can and should do much more locally. I accept blame for not helping enough to solve these problems, and will work to my part better.
Sorry my reply got way too long. I hope something in there makes sense to you.
Dear CCG,
Don’t worry about a long reply. Many of us have a few of them here and there. Thank you for sharing this story, which shows how complex these situations really are. You made so many good points … the fact that the issue tends to become more important than the people themselves … the fact that a holistic approach is needed … the fact that some people tend to pass judgments against others around this issue. Great comment!
Yeah CCG, don’t worry about the long ones, because I just wrote a long one to you next. I saw after I submitted it that I had a typo in the very first line. I meant to say WAS trying, not wasn’t. Oops!
I, too, want to tell you I appreciate your voice and I’m sorry that happened to your co-worker. I wish you could find her now.
Thank you. Your comments mean a lot to many people, including me, and we can feel your love and compassion burst through the black and white typed words we can see.
Dear CCG,
Thank you for your kind reference to my post on episode 9, however I hope that you don’t think that I wasn’t trying to guilt more people into serving in this most important area of need in our society. I was merely trying to pose the question of whether we as a society could begin to see these “crisis” pregnancies in a new light. I asked, “What if we as a society could move to the higher ground of placing value on traveling the difficult path? What if, while acknowledging our fear, we instead encourage and highly esteem the courageous acts rather than lifting up and pointing out the easy way?”
As I already mentioned in a post on the Pilot: Episode 1, we all have a choice when life takes us on a path we didn’t want to go down. We can get bitter or better. We can choose to think of ourselves or of others. We can be a blessing or a curse. Life is so much about our perspective. We can choose to see the positive in the situation or the negative. These good decisions unfortunately don’t come naturally and we live in a society that tells us to follow our heart, rather than teaching us to choose to lead it. The heart is more deceitful than anything, and it will pursue what feels right at the moment. We, as a society, need to choose to lead our hearts toward what is best in the long run.
I don’t mean to say that I don’t believe more could be done to help these women, but we must be careful when we as a society don’t allow the help that comes naturally from life’s hard lessons. For example, when a mother or father come to the “rescue” every time a child makes a mistake or acts irresponsibly this can actually arrest their development. If they constantly, for example run home to get their school books every time their child forgets them, then that child takes longer to learn responsibility and possibly may never learn. Obviously, I’m not trying to equate that forgetting ones books holds the same value as finding oneself pregnant. I hope that I don’t sound harsh here, and I am by no means advocating that we should leave them to “lie in the bed they made” alone, on the contrary, I agree with you when you say we need to take a “whole person” approach to aid and assistance. I believe that starts with education, discipleship or mentoring, and empowerment. And sometimes the best opportunities for real character development and deep learning come with life’s hard lessons, when we meet our challenges head on, not running from them or taking the easy way out or just popping a pill or expecting a hand out. Real love encompasses “tough love” sometimes, but I would add, that “tough love” should always be accompanied by the gentle embrace and constant nurturing required to arrive at that ultimate “good” end. Consequences aren’t always bad, if we can learn valuable lessons from them the first time, and don’t make the same mistake again.
When you ask, “Do we support legislation that would help single mothers be able to survive financially and really provide for their children?” I’m concerned that you feel a welfare state is the answer for these situations. I tend to believe that it’s always better to teach a man to fish, than to give a man a fish. I also think it is wrong for a government to step in where community should and could more adequately meet the direct needs of their citizens. Government should not mandate charity. The essence of charity is the VOLUNTARY giving of help, typically in the form of money, to those in need. When government oversteps their role, community can become apathetic, saying, “I don’t need to get involved, because there are programs out there for these individuals.” I believe government should do the things that we can’t do for ourselves, like provide for the common defense for example. When help comes from a personal source, accountability and responsibility increase on both the giving and receiving end. When we become involved individually, we begin to see this “whole person” approach that you speak of.
I have had beautiful opportunities to get involved in many areas of need, and I have witnessed first hand the transformation that can occur when true love and support can be poured into the lives of those struggling. The government can’t provide that missing element, so it’s remiss to think that more government is the answer. I have volunteered at orphanages and women’s resource centers, I have left my family to go and serve people in a remote village in south Sudan, and I have adopted a child here in the states through open adoption so I have an ongoing relationship with the birthparents. Through this open adoption I get the wonderful opportunity to continue to emotionally support them as they navigate through life. That’s what I meant by taking a corner of their shawl in my other post. But I also recognize that not all people are called to the same hands-on approach to help their fellow man. We all have different gifts and abilities with which to help.
Still, as I also mentioned in the post on the Pilot, adoption is one of the rare opportunities where we get to experience close up and personal what it looks like when unconditional love invades the heart of the birth-parent(s) and she/they are empowered to endure deeper pain, willingly pay a greater cost, and run the risk of losing their reputation for the sake of another. I have no greater respect for anyone else on this planet than these courageous birthparents! Now after experiencing the blessing that can come to all of the parties involved in an open-adoption, I want to do my part to help educate people of the beautiful opportunity that exists to make what once may have been a crisis turn into the best gift you could ever give to someone.
Finally, I would like to address your question as stated, “If each of us would spend half as much energy and time helping people like her succeed in the aftermath of such a decision as we do debating with each other, how many more women in similar circumstances could make a new start?” Believe me when I say I hope people do get the chance to personally help. These experiences have changed my perspective and challenged my character like nothing else in life, but I don’t want to discount the opportunity to grow and expand our perspective through careful dialogue and reasoning together. As I stated in another post, “As iron sharpens iron, no man is an island. We depend on each other intellectually, for it is by reasoning together that we find out what we need and how to obtain it, not to mention what we should live for and how.”
Sorry to keep repeating myself, but just incase you hadn’t read my other posts, I thought that I should include them here to make what I was trying to say hopefully more understandable.
Carpe Diem,
Ugh- I had this great reply I was working on last night when my computer decided to shut down for no reason and I lost it all. So here’s a shorter reply to at least let you know I did read, consider, and appreciate your response.
I wanted to say that for the most part, I really agree with you. I might have some slightly different political views (probably not as different as you might think), but my comment was just to give ideas of different areas in which we can consider women in these tough situations in our actions. If you’re someone passionate about education, consider if you can help women in these situations further theirs. If you’re a political activist, consider how your views affect women; maybe get involved in legislation for employment laws that would make it easier to be a single mother. If you’re a landlord, consider if you can adjust your rental background check policy to account for women who have no rental history because their boyfriends were always on the lease, not them. Basically, I was just trying to point out that there are many ways to take actions depending on your individual interests. like you said, “We all have different gifts and abilities with which to help.” I guess I didn’t do a good job of expressing it, but I was trying to suggest that we can all help in different way, according to what interests us and what we’re good at.
I agree so much with what you said about learning the tough lessons in life. We do all have issues we need to work through, and no one can do that for us- we have to figure out how we’ll react to these things and if we’ll let them beat us or make us stronger, and the challenge is to do what’s right, not what makes things easiest. I also completely agree with the need for community to take action. I’m all about community programs and involvement. (My work in fighting global poverty is based in community initiated programs.) True community, empowered to effectively care for its own, is definitely the ideal, from African villages to American suburbs. And most of all, I LOVE your message about adoption. Adoptive parents are so brave. I know from adopted family members (from the foster care system) that it can be extremely difficult, but the rewards vastly outweigh the challenges. And birth mothers who give their babies a chance at a better life through adoption are absolutely amazing, and real heroes.
Thank you for great, thought provoking comments, and for being a adoptive mom, and for all the ways in which you make a difference.
Denise is a very good mom and really does loves her kids. That was a big sacrifice she did for her children; if you look at it from her side.
Good episode. Still a skeptic, still watching.
WOW she did it that took a lot of guts in a good way. Good for her
Denise seems like a strong woman. The best thing she did was dial 911.
This is the first episode that has made me cry! I really hope the writers don’t go down the path of Buzz getting out of jail and like, killing Denise or something. I know that happens to people in the real world, but I really just want her to have a happy ending in this fantasy — despite the fact that it probably wouldn’t go very well for her from this point, in reality. I, too, hope she finds a fantastic facility that can help her and her kids on the road to recovery. I found her character really grating and abrasive in the first couple of episodes, but now she just reminds me so much of women and children that I have worked with in my career, and this endears her to me. I truly wish her the best.
And at this point, I have no idea how I feel about her character’s pregnancy, and the impending decision.
Wow. What a lot of info you packed into a few short minutes. Were these people real, I’d just want to take Denise into my arms and hold her. Hoping the next Denise centered episode includes her finding a well-run shelter where she can begin a new path . . . I know they exist, but not all are equally equipped, staffed or funded. Good for her, making the call. Can’t help but wonder whether charges will actually end up being filed – it’s a tough road to walk. And if they’re filed, there’s no guarantee that he’ll serve much time.
I know many people will think it’s a no-brainer that she should abort given her desperate situation, but I think that would add to her difficulties, not diminish them. The negative psychological and emotional impact of ending her child’s life at this time would increase the downward pull of all the negatives she’s dealing with already.
Denise needs a strong support system, but she can make it.
Honestly, I do not think abortion was ever really seriously in Denise’s mind. I think she got on the show because of the financial help it would give her. I think she was hoping that the financial help from being on the show would somehow soften the news to Buzz that she was pregnant. I also think getting on the show was an unconscious way that she was crying out for help.
From the first day when the doctor questioned her about abortion she seemed shocked at the idea of abortion and has identified herself over and over as a good mother who loves her kids. (All good mothers who are reading this and who had an abortion, or who are pro choice, please understand with this statement I am not equating shock at the idea of an abortion with being a good mother. What I am trying to do is get into Denise’s mind and see things the way she sees them. From the way she is being portrayed, I really think she finds the idea of abortion shocking, at least for herself.)
Denise’s behavior and her statements seem to show she does not want an abortion. I hope she gets plugged into a strong support system too, and that she does not waver and go back to Buzz.
Sister:
I agree it is clear that Denise wants to keep this child. One of her first concerns even at this appointment was whether Buzz had injured the child she is carrying. I am very pro-choice and I believe that Denise should make the right decision for herself. She really seems to want to keep this child and so I think she should do so. I just hope that she is able to stay away from Buzz. It is sad because there are so many real women in situations like this and it just breaks my heart for them. I wish there were more resources for women with children trying to make their way out of horrible situations like this.
Anon, I definitely agree. There are a lot of resources out there but there need to be more, and they need to find ways for women like Denise to know about them. Thank you for the response.